Nophica's Patron
by Alothia
Summary: The journal of Alothia Starkwood


**Choices**

Alothia curls up in her favorite chair in her small apartment in Ul'dah. It is late at night, and she has just returned from an excursion to Little Ala Mhigo with her friends. After the long journey, Alothia feels it necessary to write down some of the thoughts that have been plaguing her mind in the past few weeks. She gets up, rummages around the various boxes that litter the room, and comes back to the chair with her journal in hand. It is nothing fancy, a small book bound in brown leather with a delicate 'A' etched in the cover. She cracks open the book, smells the leather and the paper, and begins to write…

_It is often so difficult to start a book off like this. I feel as if I should have some sort of introduction…but, I guess I know myself, at least enough to be able to not need an introduction. Journaling is cathartic, I suppose, as it allows insight into the current person I am through analysis, as well as a look at my past self through older entries. Do you know that I have a journal that I worked on as a young kitten in the Shroud that I still like to look at to this day? It is amusing to me to see what passions ruled my heart back then, things like "does Tybaltian like me?" and "I am so mad at mom and dad today!" Oh to still be so young and carefree. If only my troubles where so petty. But that is for another entry, I suppose._

_Tonight, Taelia and I met up with a lovely but strange Miqo'te named Lulu. We got to talking about the events on the Garlean front, and I thought it might make a nice trip to travel to Little Ala Mhigo. Neither of them had been there before, so we all went on an excursion there. It's nice to see that others are as affected by this group of refugees as I am. We went around talking to the people in the camp, and explored the area. We did come across a mysterious locked door that lead to somewhere. It must be somewhere important because the door is quite heavily reinforced, and the locks on it are quite strong. We all wondered what the door must be guarding, and why they would leave it unguarded in a refugee camp…but again, another story, I suppose._

_Once we had made the rounds, we decided to sit down by the abandoned camp and take a rest before returning home. While we were there, we got onto the subject of what it is that we all do by trade. I, of course, am the owner of a successful business company. Taelia is working hard to be the best goldsmith in all of Eorzea. Lulu, apparently, was raised at the Ossuary and is working to become a Thaumaturge. The difference between us all is how we approach our lives, which finally leads me to my musings for the night._

_I have found that my life has been a series of choices that I have made that made me the person I am. And the first choice that made me was the choice to shirk the values that I had been taught for so long in order to make a name for myself out of exploiting others. It is a choice that still pains me to this day. To think that there was a time that I wanted to take advantage of others is…well, unthinkable. But indeed, it lead me down the path that I am on. My problem in my youth was that I didn't really want anything for myself other than money…and that wasn't really a want for myself, if you catch my drift. I wanted other people to work, and I wanted nothing out of life. I had no goals, no drives, no nothing. When I look at Taelia, and I see the joy that she earns simply from crafting a simple, plain, brass ring, I am amazed. I did not have that in my youth, and I wish I had. My parents wanted that of me, they worked hard for what they had, not because they wanted something out of it, but because they gained something in their innermost beings from being successful at something._

_This apathy lead me almost to destruction at one point. I remember the day when I changed. I had come across one of my "workers" crying alone. When I asked what had happened, she told me that the job had gone bad, and that…well, I can't even bring myself to write the words here. All I can say is that this young, innocent girl had gotten hurt because of my lack of concern for her well-being. I snapped. The little piece of me that wanted nothing for myself or others changed. In that instant, I knew, that what I wanted, more than anything, was to make sure that I took care of my people and that they liked me not because I was their boss, but because I was concerned about them and that I took the time to get to know each and every one of them._

_It is part of my business model even now. I won't hire someone out on a contract for anything…I know each of my worker's strong and weak points. I know what makes them tick. I don't resort to bullying or fear tactics (although I'm sure Zenge would like it if I did). Compassion gets me much further in this game. Plus, I look for people who are passionate about what they do. People who don't let their 'failures' hold them back. People who have the same passion for their craft as I do for them._

_And life is much more fulfilling now. I love my job, I love my company. I love being able to get out in the world and meet all sorts of people. If I had continued on that path that I was on, I would not have had the opportunity to meet with members of the other groups around Eorzea. And it is so much more…true to me, I suppose. It has always been inside of me, to be the kind of leader that I am. Sure, I still make mistakes, but I'm becoming better every day. I look at the lives of the people I surround myself with, look at the lives of the people that I meet on my travels, and learn a little something from each of them. From Taelia, I've learned that maintaining a little bit of innocence in life is never a bad thing. From Zenge: Everyone deserves a second chance, no matter what their circumstances. From Jake: Always be a little irreverent and never expect anything. From Nana: Even when you look strong on the outside, there is still a sensitive person on the inside. From Rho: We all carry the burdens of our past, but even when faced with our demons, we can still change. And from this whole experience so far, I've learned that we are really the only ones who hold ourselves back. If we can face each challenge with passion and determination, it doesn't matter whether we come out on top every time. If we fail, we learn from it, we pick ourselves up, and we keep going._

_Tomorrow, I will keep going, and the day after that…If not for me, then for the people around me, the people who depend on me. At the very least, for them._

Alothia re-reads her entry, sighs, closes the book, and closes her eyes.

**Turns**

Alothia returns to her room after a long night of dealing with company business. She pulls out her notebook and a writing tool. Unsure of where to begin, Alothia stares at the page for some time before finally nodding and beginning to write.

_It's been a while since I've written here. I think the last time was almost a moon ago. It's funny how time passes and we lose such track of it. A lot of things have happened since then. Zenge has gone missing. I think that this is the most pressing issue on my mind. A couple of suns ago, Oskar, Zenge and I met up with Xenedra, Crimson, and Claus for a little gathering in Gridania with drinks and conversation. Aside from being an eventful night in other ways…Alothia smiles with the memory before putting returning to her writing Zenge happened to stumble upon a bottle, and then all of a sudden run off. If only I knew what was in that bottle! Maybe if I had pushed him for more information! But I didn't…and so now he's missing. Relani and I asked the Guard to check to see what had happened to him. They found blood and footprints, plus signs of Garleans. This is not good considering that Zenge is…well. I wonder if they finally tracked him down. But to hurt him? I pray to the Twelve every day for his safe return. I know I'm not the only one who is missing him. Relani is distraught as well. Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do to comfort her. But she's a strong girl._  
_Then there's Oskar. I don't know what that is, still. I have feelings for him, but I feel foolish at the same time because I do believe that my feelings are stronger than his. He is young, I suppose. Better not to get too caught up in those feelings…but I can't help it, really. I feel like there's something there beyond that tough veneer that deserves consideration. Anyway, we've been working on learning things together, which is really nice. I'm on my way to becoming a master Conjurer, my Thaumatury skills are improving, and I've even taken up the lance. Things are a whole lot better when you have someone to do them with._  
_I do feel that my concern with these first two issues have taken up most of my time lately. I've barely had any time to spend with the others I care about, like Murivi and Taelia. And I felt so guilty tonight having to leave Taelia like that. I know how much she's been looking forward to working on conjury with me. I wanted to too! But this blasted company! It seems like I'm always trying to clean up other people's messes or trying to find a peaceful moment of myself. I hope I can make it up to her later. I know that she must have been awfully uncomfortable training with just Oskar. I'll have to find some way to make it up to her. I know she needs more materials for goldsmithing…maybe I'll try my hand at mining up some things for her to work with. I think she'd appreciate that._  
_I did get to see Murivi the other day, and that was nice. Although I am worried that she may have burned some bridges with Oskar. We had hired a mercinary…Harold, I think, who was awfully daft, and quite flirty. Well, you know who didn't like that so much…especially when I made a joke about how I'm not tied to him. I don't fully understand what the problem was…he's said himself that he doesn't want to be tied down. Anyway, he got mad, I felt bad…but that didn't seem to be enough. So I was talking to Murivi about it while we were on our way to Cedarwood, and later that evening, she completely yelled at him! I must say, it felt nice having someone stick up for me for a change instead of the other way around. Alothia smiles. I hope she realizes what she's done. I'm sure she does though._  
_I'm excited about the possibilities of the future though. I can't wait to get started on our group leve runs, I can't wait to become a master conjurer, and I can't wait to spend more time with everyone. I just hope that I can rememeber where my priorities lie, which is sometimes so difficult with life being like it is…but, I do my best._

Alothia puts away her notebook, sighs, and decides to call it a night, curling up on the bed and blowing out the light.

**Dreams Come**

The dreams came again, as they often did. She wasn't surprised. After all, their conversation brought it up. Only…this time…it was different. There was more. And she wasn't sure what it meant.

_The first was like always. No faces, no people. Just running. The forest blurring by in a rush of air. She could smell it. She could taste it. And she didn't like it. It set her nerves on fire. It made her heart race. She was running. Running from something like her life depended on it. She didn't know what it was, but she knew if it caught up with her it would ruin her. So she ran._

_Another flash. In her old house. She walked across the worn wooden flooring. She was there…but not. And then she saw her. She was huddled in the corner, crying. It made her want to cry out, to yell, "I'm sorry!" But she couldn't. She knew this was just a reflection. She had no real affect here…she couldn't change the past, and she couldn't change what had happened here. She was compelled to move forward, to look at what she'd done. So she moved on. She looked at the woman…soft blue hair fell unbound about her shoulders, slender ears poking out. Her sobs racked her body as if her soul was being ripped out. And then she turned and looked at Alothia._  
_It was not what she remembered._  
_Gone were the eyes that were so filled with compassion, once. Instead…black, empty eyes looked at her, looked through her. She couldn't turn. She couldn't run. She just stared at those eyes and slowly drowned…_

_Another flash. The sea echoed all around her. Where was she? This was not some place she recognized. It was stormy, and she was alone. The water was black as ebony as she gazed across the surface. It reflected like glass, and yet, the only thing around to be reflected was her own form, distorted by the waves. The small boat she was in tossed and tossed until she wasn't sure she would stay afloat. Wave after wave poured over the side, threatening…_

She woke with a start and looked around the small room at the inn. There were no sounds save for the breathing from the figure on the couch. He had not noticed. All the better, she thought. It would not do to trouble him with such things. She laid back against the pillows, and stared at the ceiling until finally sleep claimed her, and she slept like the dead.

**Letters to Lini**

_Why are you here?_  
_Lini…it's been almost 10 years…_  
_What the hell are you doing here by yourself? You're only 17!_  
_For what reason did you come here to this city? I pray to the Twelve that you're not trying to follow in my footsteps. This has been a harsh life, one that I don't know that you're cut out for. But you might be. I don't know. I haven't seen you since you were 7. You were so young. But then again, so was I._  
_Maybe you don't understand why I left. I barely do. It was so long ago. I remember the day that I decided to run off. I was so mad at mom…she had missed something else of mine…I resented it…_  
_Ugh. This isn't about me. It's about you. I've missed you, you know._

_Maybe that's all I need to say?_

_Maybe you just came for a visit. Maybe it's that simple, right?_

_Ah…who the hell am I kidding. Things are often more complicated than they seem._

_I just hope that everyone is okay. Is mom alright? Is dad alright? Are you alright?_

Alothia, frustrated, closes the journal and furrows her brow, thinking about what exactly she's going to say…

**Meeting Lini**

She knocked lightly on the door, her fists trembling, her tail twitching, sweat droplets beading at the small of her back. She was not ready for this. For what this meant. For what this would mean. Twelve! She was nervous. It had been so long for the both of them. The crap written in her journal…none of it would help her once that door opened.  
"Lini? Are you there? It's me…Open up."  
She heard the turning of the knob, and her pulse quickened. What would she look like, what would she sound like, her personality, what, what, what, a thousand whats!  
The door opened and there she stood, a small, delicate girl of about 17. When she looked at her, she saw the resemblance. Same shade of hair, same telltale beauty mark…but the other features, they were her mothers. The skin, the nose, the eyes…almost red but not quite. She had envied those eyes when she was younger, but now…What was behind them was curious. She could not read them. No matter. It was done now.  
"Um…h-hi."  
The girl looked at Alothia for a moment and then dropped her eyes to the floor. She was obviously nervous, maybe moreso than she. Lini motioned for Alothia to come in and shut the door behind her.  
There were a thousand questions begging to be asked, a thousand words that needed to be said. But they would not come. Alothia took her sister in a strange embrace, one born of longing, of needing to be connected to something from home. Lini smelled of home, of the forests, the earth. Alothia breathed in her scent and closed her eyes. Lini, taken aback at the ferocity of the embrace initially, settled into the hug from her sister as if she had never left. Alothia pulled away and looked Lini in the eyes.  
"I am so sorry. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I…"  
As she spoke, the tears softly fell. Why should this moment make her cry so?  
Lini grabbed her by the shoulders, "It's okay now. I don't care. No one cares. I've found you! You're still alive!"  
Why should she care whether she lived or died? Why should anyone care? It had been so long, so long…  
Alothia looked at the girl, confused. "Why are you here? What did you come searching me out for? Why aren't you at home? Tell me…"  
Lini nodded and began to talk…

**Loyalty and Honor**

_Is it wrong to want to protect your friends? But at what cost to yourself? At what point do you say, screw it, I've got to watch my own back, even though you care so much about them?_  
_Loyalty and honor. Sometimes they're the same side of the coin, sometimes different. I am loyal to my employees, my friends. They are loyal to me. As I mentioned earlier to Lainseworth, sometimes it's nice to know that you are in a family of your own choosing instead of the one that was chosen for you. That's what makes it so hard!_  
_And then there's love on top of it all. Love that makes us say things and feel things and do things. Glorious, lovely, exciting love. Love like I haven't felt in such a long time._  
_I mentioned to Oskar that not all Garleans were spies, that maybe some of them would have their reasons for leaving. I tried to make him understand, to see what it would take to break a man…but he didn't. I don't think that if I told him, even if I could be convincing…I know he's not a spy! If he was a spy, why would they want to come back and kill him?_  
_Gods! How do I make this decision? I know I asked him to leave, but he was supposed to take her too! It was supposed to be simple! He'd leave, I'd tell what I knew, and that would be it! I could go on and be happy._  
_Instead I'm worried sick about him. I'm worried about myself. I'm worried that I've gone and bungled everything. What if it all came crashing down?_

**Decisions**

_I've made my decision. It's not easy, but it's what I must do._

_I'm going to tell him about Zenge._  
_But Zenge will be there, and we'll tell Oskar together._

_I just hope that he understands…_

_If I am tried for treason, and anyone reads this, please know, I don't believe that protecting my friends is treasonous. I don't believe that Zenge is a spy. I truly believe that he is a man who is trying to better himself, that he couldn't stand for the atrocities that the Garlean army wanted him to commit. And, by the Twelve, if that makes me a horrible person, so be it._  
_I would be a hypocrite to not accept Zenge at his word. If people judged me by my past, I wouldn't be where I am today. Everyone deserves a second chance. Everything is more complicated as it seems. Life isn't black and white, it's the shades of grey that we live in, the shades of grey that color our lives…_

**Forgive Me**

_How does one deal_  
_With the pain, when it comes,_  
_When it all comes,_  
_Crashing down._  
_Raining like fire from the heavens_  
_Falling like shards of glass,_  
_It burns,_  
_It cuts,_  
_It leaves you pained_  
_and aching._  
_Do you ever wonder,_  
_What it would be like,_  
_To pretend it never happened?_  
_To not have to make the choice?_  
_What would I gain,_  
_What would I have lost?_  
_And would I make the choice again?_  
_Forgive me,_  
_For I would._

**At Least I Have That**

_Damnit. Damnit all._

_I don't know if I can mend the broken pieces…they're shattered…_

_I want so badly to crawl back into bed and undo this sun…but what would have been worse, today, or tomorrow, or not telling him?_

_At least I have that…_

_If it would have done any good, I would have told him I was more than happy to settle it in bed…but I don't want to imagine his face if I had said that…Already it's too much to remember…the nothingness…_

_Twelve help me…I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can. Everyone says I shouldn't bother…but…_

_I just wish he could see past this, see me, like I see him. It doesn't matter what Zenge has done in the past…he's my friend. It doesn't matter. And Gods! I love Oskar. And that's what's important. I'll prove it._

**A Letter to Oskar**

_Oskar,_

_What words can I say or write to make you understand, to make you hurt less? If I knew them, I would write them. If I could go back and tell you sooner, I would have. But I can't do any of those things. I can only live with the decision I made, and for that, I'm sorry. I don't know when I'll have the courage to give you this to read, but I know that it is a step in the right direction. You suggested to me once that I write out what I could not express, and that is what I have done here. Maybe it won't make any sense to you, but I want you to read it anyway. They're my thoughts and feelings, and maybe it will make a difference._  
_Whether you believe me or not, I trust you. I was scared, and I couldn't think of any way out of the situation I had buried myself in. I told you once that I wasn't perfect. I'm sure you believe me now. I am flawed and faulty and not nearly as strong as I wish I was._

_I don't know what else to write. I suppose I'll let the entries speak for themselves. I hope that in time we can get back to where we were, I pray to Memphina that that will happen. Until then, know that I love you._

_Alothia_

**Why Do I Hate the Rain**

_When I was standing in the rain the other sun, it made me think…why is it that I hate the rain so much? I don't really have a reason, honestly. The weather itself is sort of depressing, like the Twelve are crying down on us. But it's also cleansing as well, as if the Twelve want to wash away your troubles._

_Relationships are like fine weapons. You must pay close attention to them in order to make sure that they stay in working condition. Be careful so as not to drop them and dent them. And be careful when handling them lest you hurt yourself or others._

_It doesn't matter how much you think you're going to be hurt, because you will always hurt others more._

_There is nothing quite so fulfilling as connections between people._

_Lies are a strange thing. They have the power to hurt and the power to protect. It's important to know which are which. What you may think is a protective lie may really end up being the most painful kind there is._

_It's so difficult to think of the ways that the pieces fit back together. You can start gluing them, but what happens if there's a piece left over, or one that won't fit? As tiring as it is, I know that I've got to take my time and be careful or I won't get back to the start…_

**Insecure**

_I am insecure._  
_Seeing it in writing doesn't make it any easier to deal with._  
_When I'm not near, I worry. I do. I wonder if someone else is prettier than I am. Or funnier. Or dresses better. Or whatever._  
_I get jealous. And I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I have to protect something. I feel foolish, and angry, and a little sad._  
_It makes me want to hate other women…not trust them._

_Bah! It's just frustrating._

_I want to be more secure. I want to feel secure. Why don't I? Why do I always feel like someone or something is going to come along and snatch it all away?_

**Pulled**

_I don't want to be someone else. I like who I am. Why do I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction I don't want to go? It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Since when is what I am not good enough? Should I compromise who I am to please someone else, or should I stand my ground and say to hell with it?_

**Wash It All Away**

She sank into the steaming hot water of the tub, letting the water caress her, enfold her in warmth. Her head sank down under the surface of the water, and for a moment she wondered what it would be like to let it all go, to breathe in the water and cease to be. Up she came again, eyes closed, water dripping from her ears and hair and nose. It would never get any easier. This was a path that had never been easy.

She rested her head against the edge of the tub, smelling the scent of the oil that Madison gave her. She remembered when she gave it to her, how eagerly she dabbed it on her skin. Did he like it? That was all she cared about. The thought made her smile, slightly. Sadly.

Was this it? All the work up to this point for nothing? She didn't want it to be. She heard them buzzing around her, telling her things she didn't want to hear. Saying words she didn't want to acknowledge. She knew there was more than what they saw. She couldn't make them see.

There was tenderness there, and love too. It was in his gaze, his touch, the soft words spoken between them when no one else could hear. But they were not her. They could not see. They could not understand.

She ran the sponge over her skin, trying to wash it all away, but it would not go. She frowned and stood, letting the water drip onto the floor as she went for the towel hanging on the doorknob. The chill of the air made her hair stand on end, and no amount of drying would take the chill away.

She padded softly over the wooden floor to the bed, lonely in it's solitude. She would sleep on it, if she could. She crawled in between the covers, and curled on her side, praying that sleep would find her, and that clarity would come with the sun

**Death**

_It wasn't looking at the death that made me shut down._

_No, I've seen death. I've been on my own for quite a long time. The first death I saw was within the first year of my being on my own. Being a girl out on your own makes you an easy target for those who would try to take advantage of you. Even in Gridania, things weren't safe. The first attack came some time in the evening. The moons were hanging in the sky, and I was walking to the inn. He attacked me from behind and threw me on the ground. He was on top of me, and then his eyes, they went wide and still, and he slumped over. I never did see who saved me that night. They were hidden and didn't say a word. Just walked off as if it were nothing._

_No, it's not the death itself that brought me to this point. It was a mix of things. The nothingness I felt when I saw him, when I heard him sneer at us. It made me numb, it made me cold. How could someone want to kill Lainseworth is beyond me. And now he's run off because he feels that he is a danger to us. Maybe he'll never come back. All of that was in me when I looked at him._

_That and a mysterious sense of pleasure at the fact that he was going to die. That's what worried me more than anything. It reminded me of my past dealings and how I felt back then. Emotions I had hoped to keep bottled up, to keep hidden. I didn't want to feel that. And so, I figured I would rather feel nothing._

_I just…I hope that I don't have to feel that again. Maybe next time I'll be hardened enough to not feel it. Maybe that is a problem in and of itself. What if death becomes easy?_

**Storms**

_He said to dream of him…_

_It wasn't what I expected._

_It was the boat dream again. I was on a small raft, floating, floating, endlessly drifting._  
_At first the sea was calm, something I don't remember from previous dreams. Then, it slowly crescendoed into a storm. The rain came harder, faster. The waves lapped over the boat, threatening to drag me under._  
_And then I saw him. He was there in another boat, reaching out for me. His hand outstretched, his eyes looked sad. It was as if he knew he couldn't save me. But yet he tried._  
_And I reached out. Reached my fingers till the tips brushed his. It was almost enough._  
_Then the rain started to change. Instead of rain, it was arrows, coming from the heavens. They hit the water, hit the boat, thudding, thudding. I tried to curl up to protect myself from the onslaught, but one scraped my cheek, another my ear, and they were raining all around._  
_And I watched with horror as an arrow pierced him in the heart. He looked at me as I watched him, his eyes went blank, and he fell._  
_Then it all went black._

_It's all I can remember.__  
__It was a fitful night._

**Delays**

_So I suppose I've been meaning to write about these thing for a while. They've been on my mind, but I've been letting them fade to the back, trying to not let them bother me. But the dreams didn't help to quell my fears, and so I suppose I will write about them._

_I am torn about how I feel about Deirdre. There are things that I greatly admire about her. And there are things that I do not understand. Why did she attempt to kill Fearless? Why did nothing happen to her? And then there are things that worry me. I am worried that she will be the downfall of my relationship. She's always there. When I cannot be there, it seems that she is. And apparently she has "offered" things…and it should bother me. Just as knowing that she is in his dreams should bother me. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the one who is always jealous and full of angst. And so I let it go. Maybe writing this down will help._

_I am worried about Corvus. Our meeting turned into a call for diplomacy. Why? It's not as if we are fighting city-states. We are two organizations within Eorzea. We may need each others help in the future. So why do we seem to be at each other's throats? I don't know. I know that I am friends with all of them, and the constant bickering between my people only serves to aggravate me. I want it to be over and done with. And so, I am going to do this trip with the company no matter what. It should serve to bring us closer together. Maybe then I can teach them that we all need to work together. I understand their points, but at what point do we stop standing up for ourselves and start being whiny, instigating, children?_

_I'm worried about my future. What it might mean. I have my company. What if at some point I have to give it up? Have to give up the family that I have built for myself?_  
_I'm worried about being alone. What if that happens? What if I lose everything? Then where will I be?_

_I don't know. I don't even know if writing this down will help. I'm just rambling now aren't I? I suppose I will end this entry here._

**Breezes**

_The waves crash endlessly on_  
_Their sound a comforting lullaby_  
_The moons shine on through_  
_A starry sky, a cloudless night_  
_And still, I long._  
_The Twelve have made it so beautiful_  
_The land, the skies, the sea._  
_And it calls, that place_  
_Where comfort brings me home_  
_Where the waters are warm_  
_The lights are dim_  
_The curtains wave in the breeze…_  
_In two directions I am pulled_  
_My words seem to fall_  
_Silently_  
_I'm breaking at the seams_  
_I'm falling, falling_  
_Drifting, drifting._  
_When will the rains start?_  
_When will the arrows fall?_  
_I know not._

There is more writing at the bottom, things scratched out, almost unreadable.

_…company not…won't listen…to be home…I hope this trip…better…but how if no one…Need to get back…_

**Just When**

_Just when you think things are starting to look up,_  
_The Twelve feel like throwing something at you._

**Back Again**

_Here I was, thinking that there was a looming cloud on the horizon, when there were actually clear skies ahead._

_Happy to be back from the trip. I was out shopping for Oskar's nameday present which is a fantastic…yeah. Can't write that here. Soon enough. Then, we went grocery shopping, which was really nice for a change. The conversation came easy, and it felt more like before all of the problems with the company started. It was refreshing. I enjoyed just spending some time with Oskar, not working, not doing anything but being us. It was a lovely time. Aside from some of the prices! Some of the sellers in the stalls, however, were out to rip us off. My business sense did not like that. Ah well. Some people will just try to make a Gil any way they can, I suppose._

_I also got word from Kassandra that there were some people coming by looking for us to find people for them. I think I might have to change Corvus in to a missing persons agency at this rate! At least that means that there is some work coming. I decided I'd hire Kass to be our receptionist, since she was so good and let me know of the people who came in already. She'll do a fine job. We're on our way to being more organized, and maybe with a few more meetings, we'll be a more efficient company._

_Once I found out about all of that, I made my way home and made dinner. Nothing fancy, just some aldgoat steak (note: try using a little less thyme next time). Oskar went out to train with Elriche, and they both came back in time to eat. It was an amusing dinner. I do feel bad about making Elriche blush as much as we did…but it -was- funny._

_Speaking of funny, I've got a funny feeling about this illness of Deirdre. Zenge was sick too…I wonder if they had the same sort of thing. Ah well._

**Too Soon**

_Maybe I spoke too soon._  
There is a break here, and the writing changes from frantic to a more leisurely scrawl.

_Yep. Spoke too soon. You know…I'm…upset…._

_Why? Why does everyone want her? Want to help her, want to fix her? Hells, even I like her. But why does he have to like her!? And why does he choose her over me? Screw what she wants! If she's scared and might not make it, you disregard her wishes and call in a damn mage!_

_I already feel uneasy about them as it is….it would be like me picking to stay with Zenge over him….only if Zenge and I had had a relationship before, and if I still dreamt of him, and if I thought he was attractive and flirted with him all of the time._

_Gods! Some damn window you opened!_

**Leavetaking**

She walked into the apartment, the room swirling in front of her. She didn't remember feeling so nervous before. She looked at him and thought…what did she think? There was so much there. So much feeling, so much built up over the past few moons. And now? What was going to happen? Was she clinging to a hopeless dream? Maybe. "_Nothing lasts forever, so you might as well enjoy it while you can._" She had used that phrase in reference to the alcohol, but knew those words had double meaning. Oskar knew it. She knew it. And yet, it still made her sad.

She made her way down the hallway to the bedroom, undressing slowly and deliberately, trying to both entice and steady herself with each motion. It was if the pretense was falling away. She knew what this was. This was goodbye. And every touch, every kiss, would be a soft farewell, a parting gift to keep in her memory.

She curled up on the bed, and he lay behind her, touching the small curves that lay between her shoulder and hip. The lamp behind them cast shadows on the wall facing her. As she watched the shadow dance, she saw not two shadows but one. Oskar's big frame swallowed her shadow whole, until all you could see was his form. She would miss this, she thought. She cast a trickle of air and snuffed out the lamp.

In the dark, she felt more alive, felt like she could say goodbye without worrying. The act pulled at her heartstrings, made her want to cry with every move. His hands, his lips, his…Twelve! She would miss him. And so she gave herself to him with everything she had. This final dance was a way to tell him all the things she couldn't with words. It was filled with love, and pain, and sorrow. It went on and on, seeming to never end, until suddenly, it was over. Just as suddenly as their relationship began, with a look, just so with a touch, it was done. She curled against his chest, tracing the planes of his figure, watching his chest rise and fall, and his breathing regulate until he slept. Not until then did she start to cry. She rolled over on her side, clutching her pillow, and wept.

Before the sun rose, before Oskar awoke, she left, a note left on the pillow, scented with cherry blossoms.  
_Oskar,_  
_I will miss you, my heart,_  
_Alothia_  
was all it said.

**Will He Miss Me?**

_A lot of things have been going through my head. Was it the right decision? Will he miss me? Should I even care?_

_Spending time with the company has helped. Alona gave Fearless some gifts to help me sleep. It seems to be working._

_I met with him last sun. I don't know what I was expecting. I think I'm not sad about it anymore, however. He was never meant to be with me…only with her. For that, I feel foolish, to think that I could compete against her. I should have known better. What hurts the most is knowing that he didn't even wait a couple of suns before running to her arms. And yet he says he loves me…what of love when you can put it aside so easily for other desires? I'm beginning to feel as if he never loved me at all. I was just a nice person to have around until she returned his affections. Alright…maybe I'm angrier about the whole thing than I thought. He was right about one thing…he cannot love me in the way I deserve. At least I'll have the common courtesy to have a mourning period over our relationship. Not that there's anyone who's eye I've caught. So few people look at me in that way…not like him. Ah well. Memphina will not lead me astray. It is in Her hands now._

_Then there is this business with Rio. I need to meet with Commander Mtoto sooner rather than later before she thinks that Corvus is a part of her plans. I don't plan on giving them the satisfaction of dealing with her, however. She is…was one of ours, and she has betrayed us all. If anyone gets the final say, it should be us._

_I need to be strong. For me. For the company. For Eorzea. These are pressing times ahead. I cannot let myself get distracted again. Thank the Twelve for blessings in disguise. I shall harden my heart and persevere. I will do what is necessary. We will thrive, we will prosper, and we will live to see Eorzea through another day. This I swear._

**Frustration**

_The past few suns have been nice. Spending time with Corvus has become one of those things that I greatly look forward to. We've explored Toto-Rak together, as well as the Darkhold, although the latter with not quite as much success as the former. One of these suns, we'll find something of value there, I know it._

_Last eve we had the welcome party for the new Corvus Cinis members. It was quite nice…until Rio decided to show up. I don't know what the girl is thinking! Showing up during a party, asking for a truce…as if we had done anything to harm her up to this point. We are keeping an eye on her and no more, even though I know that the others wouldn't think twice about being more violent if it came to that. She thinks that she is doing good, but she doesn't realize that she's hurting what little defenses Eorzea has. I am worried for her._

_In other news, Oskar grows more frustrating by the sun. You would think that he would just leave me be, but he doesn't. He wanted to take me out on a date, he insists…but why? And why would I even entertain the thought? He is so infuriating. He feels like he can tell me what to do, but those days are over. I would have been more than happy to listen to him if we had stayed together, but alas, it seems as if his loins were more important than my feelings. And then, last sun, he has the NERVE to suggest that I help Elriche find himself by dating him….as if I'm just some sort of dating experiment! I don't think that I will ever understand that man. I don't know that I care to, honestly. What was I thinking!? I'm beginning to see just why my friends were so irritated over our relationship. If he wants to be a child, I'm going to treat him like one and not even give him the time of day. See how he likes that._

_As much as I'd like to date someone, there's no one around who would date me. Everyone seems to be taken…and those who aren't show no interest in me…or are girls. No offense, but…that's just not my thing. I'm only half joking when I talk to Zenge. If he were actually single…well, I might just make a move. But he has Relani, and I don't want to step on her territory. They're so darn cute together anyway. Ah well. Maybe someday I'll find someone. Better to not go looking anyway. Heck, I'd better be careful so as not to attract any more arrogant ass hats, as Fearless likes to put it._

_Speaking of Fearless, I'm sad for him. Lily hasn't been around lately, and it's been bringing him down. I hope that he feels better soon. And I hope that she is safe._

_I guess that's all for now. I'm exhausted and should get some sleep._

**Fine**

_This sun has been terribly interesting. Where do I start?_

_Well, for starters, I was shopping with Kaliden earlier when I ran into Claus and some other members of TALE. It was nice to meet some new faces. One of the new faces, however, was a handsome Duskwight named Uxe. (Yes, yes…I know…it appears I'm developing a type) Now, I don't think he meant anything by it, but he told me I was beautiful. It has been a while since someone other than Oskar told me that. And it made me feel good about myself. It was just a nice reminder that I don't need him to be happy. I do have appeal to others, and I will be fine on my own._

_Later, I went upstairs from the Gold Court to think and write…and met up with Fearless while I was there. We had a nice talk about loneliness, and then he had to go home. I'm concerned about him and Lily. I hope things end up alright with them. If she doesn't come back, I will go with him to search for her._

_After Fearless left, I decided to walk to the Concern, but found it was too crowded for my tastes. On the way back, I met with Ms. Adul, and we had a fascinating conversation. I will not write the details here, for this may fall into the hands of someone it was not meant for, but needless to say, it was very interesting. I hope to hear from her again soon._

_With this, I leave this entry. I feel like I'm encroaching on Navei's quiet space. I should probably head back home._

**Thinking**

_A lot has happened in the past few suns._

_Lily finally returned. I know that Fearless was overjoyed. It was nice to see him smiling again. He's been a whole lot happier ever since. She hasn't been around quite as often as she was before she left, but at least we know that she's safe now. I know that's all Fearless needed to know._

_I haven't heard from Ms. Adul. I suppose that means that her theories were unfounded. Part of me is glad of it. Another part…well, it would have been interesting if things had played out, to say the least._

_A couple of suns ago I ran into Red and Ms. Quai out on the upper levels of Ul'Dah. They invited me to the MMML, and we ran around the city collecting new recruits to go drinking! It was a ton of fun. In the end, it was myself, Fear, Red and Lu, Claus, Zolku, Myllor, and another person who wasn't a member of the MMML but whom hung out with us anyway. We went to the concern and played Never Have I Ever, which took an interesting turn when Red admitted she had slept with a Roe. I need to get that story out of her sometime. Seems like quite a tale. Had to leave before she got to telling it, though, which was a bummer. Fear was quite the gentleman and carried me back to headquarters safely. I think I overdid it on the drinking that night._

_Last night was quite the same, however. But that was for good reason. Relani walked out on Zenge. Stupid woman. Did she not realize what his duties were when he was a part of the Garlean army? And can't she see that he's changed? It makes me so angry. Anyone who knows Zenge knows that he's changed. He's a wonderful friend. I hate to see what she's done to him…the mess she's made of him. We went out to the Concern, with the intention of letting Zenge drown his sorrows in drink…but I ended up being tipsy. Seems to be the story of my life. He ended up helping me back to HQ, and we had a nice talk. I gave him the other notebook I had lying around. I hope it helps him with this situation. I know that writing helps me some. I told him not to worry about how he writes it…just to get it down. Maybe he'll take my advice. He seemed to appreciate the gesture at least._

_I'm worried for him. I hope he makes it through this. I'm sure he will. Once women find out he's single, I'm sure they'll be lining up at his door. He's always had the knack for that. _  
At this she chuckles and then continues writing.  
_Anyway. I'll be there to help him in any way I can. I know how hard losing someone that close to you is. Until next time._

**Worried**

_Oh Twelve…_

_I can't write how happy I am right now._  
_But I'm also worried. I hope this wasn't just a rebound…_  
_I don't think it was. I know it wasn't for me._

_And I think we've been friends long enough for this to not be a rebound for him…_

_But what if she shows up and decides she wants him back now? Then what? Would he pick her over me?_

_He thinks I'm pretty…_

_My mind is racing. I should wait until I'm settled to write more._

_Oh Twelve…Zenge…_

**Happy Again**

_Alright. I think I'm finally settled enough to write properly._

_So…yeah…We're together now. And it's really nice._  
_I think it's kinda funny…I didn't really think of Zenge in that way for a long time. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I was just lying to myself. I look back over my previous entries, and I wonder at what point it happened. I think about what I did when I gave his Garlean background away like I did…and I'm ashamed. How could he think of me in this way knowing that I betrayed him once? Maybe that's just it. I know some of his past. He knows some of mine. But we both know that we change and grow. We're not the same people we were moons ago, or even suns ago for that matter. As long as I keep bettering myself, maybe I'll be good enough._

_We went out on a date last eve. We wandered the city hand in hand. Went shopping in the market wards. He bought me a match to the black pearl earring I wear in my ear. Now they're a pair. "Now they won't be alone," he said. It made me smile._

_After shopping, we went to the Mineral Concern for a drink. No, I didn't get drunk. We just sat there and listened to the other people there, and talked a little. We spoke about Relani and Oskar, about our families and how we miss them. But I didn't feel like I needed to speak to be comfortable. It was enough just spending time together. I'd forgotten what that was like._

_Then we went back to headquarters…home. It's nice feeling like this is my place once again. And that's not just because of Zenge. For a while, I lost sight of what was important. I was neglecting my friends. I was neglecting my own wants and desires for myself. Now…I'm not beholden to anyone, but I want to be with them. I want to be with the company, with my friends and acquaintances. And I want to be able to choose where I am instead of feeling like I'm obligated to be somewhere. I choose to be with my company. It's made tensions there a whole lot easier._

_I'm not worried about pleasing anyone else anymore. If I can please others by pleasing myself, that's the way to do it. Hopefully that doesn't change. I am happiest when I can be myself. I don't see this relationship taking any turns in the opposite direction. Finally I feel settled and happy again._

**Lost**

_Life has been good. I haven't had to worry about much lately, and I've just enjoyed spending some time with others._

_But something has gotten me thinking. At Corvus Cinis, what do we do that other groups in the city don't? What do we have to offer the people of Eorzea that is special or different. I could make us a deconstruction company, but somehow, I don't think that that would work out well. Not a lot of need for deconstruction._

_But then I thought about the latest jobs that we had been hired out to do. Finding Miyu, finding various items…we do a lot of finding. Which makes me think…maybe that's what we do well. We are good at finding people and things. Maybe, then, we should specialize in that. Instead of willy nilly taking every job that comes to us, big or small, maybe we need to specialize in a niche market._

_Corvus Cinis Agency: Finders of things, people, and specialty items._

_People can come to us if they're looking for something that is lost, or a person that they've lost touch with…or even something that is hard to find. It would make it easier for people to know who to hire, with all of the other groups out there. Plus, we could start training for more specific purposes._

_I'll have to run this idea by the rest of the company and see what they think. Watch out Eorzea. A new Corvus will be heading your way…_

**Grumbling**

_It has been many suns since I wrote last…over a moon in fact. Much has happened._

_We've taken on many more members, and with them have come jobs. Jobs that they cannot afford to pay us to do save through working it off. This, I am fine with. Fearles…well, he has always been driven by gil. I should not be surprised._

_We have taken a few trips as a company since changing our mission. The most memorable was the trip to Moraby Bay. Lenneth remembered waking there, and so we went to search for some clue as to who she might be. Nel came with us, and it was a saving grace as well, for she is skilled as scaling and was able to climb down the cliff face to retrieve a clue. Hopefully it will lead us to something that will help her._

_About a fortnight ago, we were attacked at headquarters by some men who appeared to be Garlean. They were looking for Leon, although why, I cannot say. I am deeply embarrassed that I could not do more for my employees. Even though the men were outnumbered, their skills and their weapons were no match for us, scattered, scared, and surprised. I took a bullet in the shoulder, and others were injured far worse. Elriche and Eva came at Nel's request to help…Thank the Twelve she was around. We would not have made it out of that battle with as little injuries as we did, if it were not for Elriche and Eva's healing skills._

_Since then, most of our work has ceased while everyone recovers. Nel has stopped by a few times to talk. It is nice to have someone to speak with at length. She is a good woman. I wish I could let her know how much I appreciate her friendship. Zenge was feeling guilty for a while for not being able to protect me during the attack. It is not his fault._

_In other news, we have been approached by two other companies for possible jobs in the future. The Everwatch and Archavalon. I will go to their meetings and read their contracts and mull over the idea. It would be good for business, no matter how much the company will grumble at having to help him._

_The question is, how much will I grumble?_

**Blushing**

Alothia smirks and jots down some words in her journal.

_"Corvus Cinis, while young in comparison to some organizations present today, pushes itself to new heights at every turn. They make it their personal responsibility to uncover the truth on behalf of their clients. Tis truly a remarkable relationship that other companies out there may have difficulty creating with their clients. We all can stand to learn much from this new blood."_

_That's what the Mavanix house thinks of us. It made me blush…_

**What Is?**

There is a smattering of words and phrases hastily scrawled on this page, haphazardly.

_Love…what is it?_  
_How to convey that in a song?_  
_Can I even think to put it into words?_  
_heartbeats_

_fluttering_  
_falling_  
_terror_

_vulnerability_

_power?_  
_struggle_  
_betrayal_

_lust/love_  
_feelings_

_validity?_  
_changeable- definitely something to think about…_

**Gone**

_Moons pass_  
_Suns pass_  
_Turns pass_  
_It all seems an endless cycle._

_The loneliness, it sets in_  
_I feel it in my bones_  
_I look around_  
_Searching,_  
_Yet I find nothing._

_Where did they all go?_  
_In this season of togetherness,_  
_It seems that I am all alone_  
_Abandoned by the family_  
_I had fashioned for myself._

_I sit_  
_I think_  
_I wonder_  
_I ponder…_

_Would they even notice if I was gone?_

**Skies Fall**

_It's been a long time since I've written anything meaningful…_

_I just don't feel myself any more. I feel as if the world is passing me by, and here I sit, looking at the flickering shadows on the wall, and I feel so alone._

_When the Starlight festival happened, many of the people here left to spend time with their families. Zenge ran off on a scouting mission with others from the Adder, to gain intelligence on those damned Garleans…not many people have returned._

_Kass is still here, so her and I spend time in front of the fire, reading or talking. Miyu comes around and I talk with her for a while. It seems as if she's taken up with Raven…it's nice to see her so happy. It's been a long time since I've seen her that happy…if anyone deserves a distraction, it's Miyu._

_Trying to find a distraction myself, I finally left the building for more than a few ticks the other sun. I had seen that Mister Verence had posted a notice about the AETHER academy having an informational meeting. I figured it would be good to maybe see about taking a few classes here and there._

_I have to say, however, that my mind couldn't quite focus on the speeches being made. Instead, I was a bundle of emotions…Oskar was there. I had no idea what happened to him…but he looked horrible. As much as he has hurt me, as angry as I was at him…I could not bring myself to see him looking so frail. Oskar, that pillar of strength, has crumbled to a shadow of what he once was. He walks with a cane, his beard has grown out, and Twelve, he looks tired. He asked about Zenge and in return I inquired after Deirdre…it seemed to pain him so. I can't stand to see him in pain like that. I worry for him._

_After he left, I don't know how I felt. I felt sad for him…pity even. Yet I know that he would shun my pity. He's not a man to accept feelings like that. And I feel that I would insult him with those feelings. He is…was…so capable. It is difficult to look at him and not see that monster of a man that he once was. It is difficult not to think on these things…_

_I need to get out more. I began training the Axe with Taelia and Kass the other sun. It was nice to go out and be active again. I'll never be as strong as others, but at least with more work, I will not embarrass myself should the time ever come that I need to take up an axe._

_It feels good to get out of this room, out of this building. The sun shines still, and that is some comfort. Who knows how many more suns we have left before the sky falls on us all._

**Return**

_I can't tell you how many times I've turned the letter over and over in my hands this eve. The parchment is beginning to feel worn in places. I feel…strange. So long I've been disconnected from the outside world, spending my suns in my room reading, or playing at cards with Kass in the common room. We seem to be the only two in this building. Why wouldn't it be fitting then, that the one sun that I decide to step out is the one sun that we receive a visitor?_  
_Not that I'm sad that I missed it…I'm not sure what I would have said anyway. Maybe it's better for both of us that I had time to look over the note. Kass did not seem to know what was inside when she handed it to me. Knowing her fervor with the letter opener, I was surprised to still see it intact, in fact. The thought of her ravaging it with that shortened piece of metal makes me smile though._  
_I've discussed the proposal with her. She doesn't seem adverse to it, which is surprising. If we accept, it'll be interesting to hear what the others have to say about it. It would have to be temporary work, of course…for when the others return there will be much to do._

The writing trails off here for a time, as if the writer's thoughts were drifting and the pen had a mind of its own.

_When they return…_

**Updates**

_It's been moons since I wrote last. It seems as if I bring my pen to paper only when I am not feeling myself. It is saddening to think that if someone finds this some sun, they will know me for a melodramatic, melancholy individual. Ah well._

_Everyone, well mostly everyone, is back from their breaks. There is a strong absence in the headquarters with Fearless missing. I believe that he desired to stay at home with his family and tend the farm. I hope he finds happiness there. Lily is sad that he decided not to come back. I do not blame her. I do not know what I would have done had Zenge not come back…correction, I know exactly what I would have done. It is better not to speak of it._

_Zenge came back a different man. He is no longer around as much, running off to fight this or that, or train, as it were. He is gaining promotions quite quickly, and therefore is often busier than I would like. I miss him. And even when we are together, his sleep is restless. He thinks I do not notice, but he gets up often and sits in the chair in the corner…thinking of I know not what. Perhaps he will tell me some sun._

_Kass has a new love in her life. I am happy for her. I really am. But because of this, she is leaving the building, and this bothers me. I just wish she had told me sooner. I like Endri, but I have a hard time swallowing that this is happening so fast. Endri knows much of the world, and Kass knows so little. I hope that she guards her heart well. I'd hate to see this turn into a situation like with Kal._

_Speaking of, that was an amusing incident, in retrospect. I'm afraid I made a fool of myself in front of everyone, threatening Kal like I did. But he shouldn't have hurt her like he did…he could have at least written. I swear to the Twelve, should Endricane hurt her…_

_Nel and Izzy got married not too long ago. They had two ceremonies, and unfortunately, I could only make the first. They asked me to perform the ceremony…I was flattered. I hope I did their words justice. It was a beautiful event. They looked fantastic, and everyone had a great time. Nel also announced that she was pregnant. I was shocked. It was amusing to see the lalafell's reaction to that revelation._

_Ah yes, the lalafell, I don't think I've written of them. Riku and Miyuki have become our little mascots in a way. They're teenagers who have happened to find employment here at Corvus. They have won my heart, surely. They seem to be so innocent, and yet not at the same time. I wish I could go back to their age. It was a good time._

_Business has been rather slow, however, so I've been doing some training myself. I'm out most of the sun, and tired as hell when I get back. Haven't really had much time to myself._

_I did spend some time in Gridania this sun, however. It was a beautiful day for it. Traveled around the city, buying various things from the vendors…none of it was needed, of course. There's just something about spending your gil in the community that you grew up in that brings a little warmth to your heart. The vendors seemed to be having a hard time of it lately. I hope that what I bought could help fund their next meal at least._

_Once I was finished with my shopping, I walked by the Fane, inquiring if they needed any services from me. They seemed to be at a lull as well, with all of the adventurer's storming their doors lately. Most of what they needed was far below my skill level, anyway, so I'm happy to let the beginning conjurers learn their trade with it. The glow in the Fane was comforting, so I spent some time perusing the library there, looking over the tomes of magic they had, trying to learn what new skills I could. There didn't seem to be much there, however, that I didn't know already._

_Afterward, I took a trip outside by the pond and sat on a rock, just thinking about things. Mainly feeling bad about the whole Kass thing. It was comforting just being near nature again. I forget how in Ul'Dah how dead everything is. No songs of the elementals in that place…it's as if they'd forgotten all about that wasteland._

_Oskar came by. It was…odd seeing him again. Odd and yet comforting. I feel as if he left awfully abruptly. I hope it wasn't because of anything I said…it was an odd conversation though. One fraught with old emotions. I can't help but feel them some when he is around. As I told him, it's hard not to fall into those old routines. His eyes were sad, and I felt bad. I hope that things get better between us…I hate feeling awkward._

_He mentioned something about a storytelling that is happening soon. I remember those. They were nice. Perhaps I will try to attend…I'm not sitting next to him though._

**Monster After All**

_What's it like to see the person in the mirror and realize that you have changed on the outside, but that maybe inside you are still the same person you once were?_

_It all came back to me last eve…_  
_We were helping out with a training mission with the Everwatch. We were posing as a merc group, the Vultures. We had to bind and capture the Everwatch, we had to torment and humiliate and hurt them. And a part of me enjoyed it. And I am disgusted by it. It reminds me of the person I once was, many, many moons ago. I was a person who wanted power, who craved it. I hurt many people in my quest for it. And I delighted in it._  
_Hearing Kailee's screams as I kicked her to the ground, seeing the fear in her eyes behind her bravado…I shudder to think of it. Once the ruse is over, I shall go to them and make amends. I'm working on a couple of spells to see if I can repair the damage that must have been longset in her knee to cause her such pain. Maybe out of this, I can atone for it._

_But that's not the whole of it. It wasn't enough that the guilt was wracking me from it. Kass got hurt. I felt guilty for that too. And even though I healed her, even though I exacted what little revenge I could on Kailee, (Twelve knows that makes me feel guilty in and of itself), then Endri comes after me as well, making me feel a fool. It does not matter that I was going to give them my portion of the commission from the job to help with the building of their house. No, it does not matter that Kassandra is an adult and can make her own damn decisions. No, I am to blame for it all._

_I suppose that is what comes of the life I lead before. I suppose that is all I deserve._

_I do not deserve the people who comfort me. I do not deserve to have RIku feel angry for me. It is not his place. Endri has done nothing wrong._

_It is I who have done wrong._

_And my years of atonement will never be enough._

_I was a fool to think that I might be happy one sun, with a love and a family._  
_Even Zenge is slipping slowly away, preferring to spend his nights in training than with me._

_Perhaps it is futile for me to try to fit myself into this role of the kind leader. Maybe it is not the role I am cut out for at all. Maybe this whole life is just a lie that I have concocted to try to save my damned soul. Perhaps my life would be better spent back in the Twelveswood, manipulating people, using them to my ends, and glorying in what little time I have…_

_Twelve, maybe underneath all of this, I am really no more than a monster after all._

**Flowing Waters**

_So…I'm attempting that meditation thing on my own out here by the Fane. It's nice and quiet here. The fireflies buzz just off to my left, and if not for the guards, it would be a most serene moment…_

_I can't help but be troubled. Yssen came by last even to let me know of their last encounter with the Demon thingy…I can't say thtat I was pleased. Visions of me being killed, my building burned, and the people I love slaughtered? It will not do. Was it wrong to get involved in the Mavanix's problems? Was the call of gil too much that I put myself and my people in danger?_

_Twelve, I hope not._

_I hope that we can all work together to sort this business out. I think I need some time away…I might take a trip out to the shroud for a sun or two…just be on my own away from the city for a bit. I think that everyone can do without me for a bit._

_Kass has Endri to keep her company. The lalas have each other, although I do worry about Riku. Zenge is never around anymore anyway…duty is his main interest now. Burgen seems to have found a new friend in Syd…whether he returns the affections remains to be seen. Seems like everyone is doing just fine. They probably won't even notice that I'm gone._

_When I get back, perhaps I can do something to thank them all. Just in case things don't go as planned, and we all end up dead. We all might end up dead anyway with the way Dalamud grows closer every sun. Twelve help us all._

**Broken**

_I came back from my trip to find that I was more alone than I ever thought. Zenge was there, spouting words that didn't hit me until much later. He's scared they will come for me, knowing what he is. He knows that he's been busy and can't be here…so he made the decision for us. Twelve knows if we'll cross paths again. But it's over. Over and done. And now I am truly alone._

_I think that they will still come for me. Business has been slow anyway. I think I shall lock the doors and leave for a time. I've never been good at hiding, but maybe now is the time. I can feel it in my bones. Something horrible is coming. I will be there to battle, but for now, I will hide. I will wait. I will watch. When the time comes, I will lend what healing skills I have. But for now…_

_Twelve protect me. Twelve protect us. Memphina, mend my broken heart. Make me strong enough to weather this storm._

**Strawberries...**

_It's odd being here. It's odd finding a new journal, a new life, and new people all around. The people you left are not the same. People are still missing…5 years have passed in the blink of an eye, and I'm still trying to adjust to the changes that seemingly happened in an instant._

_I remember being there on the field. I remember trying to heal the sick, running from tent to tent, tending the wounds I could. I remember looking for people I knew, and seeing only faces I didn't recognize. I heard the roar of Bahamut. I saw his flames rain down on the people of Eorzea. And Twelve, I was scared._

_I later heard about Loiseaux and what he did. But that was much later._

_It happened so suddenly, the flash of light. It made me dizzy, it made me shake. And all of a sudden, it was gone. The next few weeks were hazy. I remember stumbling around what looked to be the Twelveswood…but it was so different. I remember seeing others like me…dazed and lost. I found Endri, and together we tried to find the house he had built for him and Kass…but it was gone. Nothing but cinders. We went to find my family, the family that I left at a young age, the family I never reconciled with. They were gone as well. Nothing. I only hope that Lini escaped, somehow._  
_Mutual grief led to things I'm not proud of. In Endri's arms I found comfort and solace. I hope that somehow I did the same for him. Part of our grievances were unfounded, as I now know. At least it is not uncomfortable now. He is still my friend, and what happened happened._

_Following the Twelveswood, I traveled to Ul'Dah to seek word of my friends. The building we once owned had long been abandoned and bought by others. No one around could tell me the whereabouts of my belongings. I can only assume that they have been burned on the ash pile, like the homes of the people I once loved. I heard word that adventurers were gathering in Limsa, that some of the people I used to know were still there…and here is where I am now._

_A city I used to loathe, now turned into the closest thing to home I have. Xenedra's tavern, Soliloquy, still stands, and it is here that I spend most of my bells. The joys have been few and far between since our return…_  
_It still sounds funny….return…when it doesn't feel like I've been gone at all._

_And yet, amongst the bittersweet reunions with my friends, there has been a sliver of light. Para…what can I say about him? He fills my thoughts. I don't know what this will become, but it is something good, born from the ashes of the world's demise. It's rather poetic, don't you think?_

_I suppose that is all I can say for now. Time goes on. The ticks seem like bells. The bells like suns….Soon it will be a new turn, and so on and so forth. I only hope to gather the broken shards of the family I seem to have lost, and try to rebuild what I worked so hard for. Perhaps one day it will return to the way it once was. Until then, I will savor my time, letting it pass over me like waves. The waves of the sea. The waves outside my window…_

_The bells toll and it is time for me to go. I will write more later._

**The Queen's Sonnet**

_On the first date that Para and I had, if a date is what it was…maybe our second meeting, I was challeneged to compose a verse about our first meeting. For some reason, my mouth spouted this out. I'm not sure how good it is…but Para seemed to enjoy it._

_So sat the queen upon her throne on high  
__Her subjects she did survey from her perch  
__Across each visage there her eyes did fly  
__While one by one she judged them in her search.  
__Until one face perchance did catch her eye  
__A flame haired face, and beautiful to boot  
__"This one has won the right," her voice did cry,  
__"To please the queen!" and then her voice went mute.  
__Then up to him the queen did start to sway  
__Her eyes did glint with glee and mirth and fun  
__And in her hands his face she made to stay  
__While she did kiss him there, and everyone  
__Did watch them then; the couple's fast embrace.  
__And with a grin, she led him from that place.__  
_

_I thought I should preserve this poem here, since it was quite a while ago now. I'd rather not lose this little bit of mirth._

**Damaged**

_Broken, scarred and beaten  
__We trudge ever onward  
The beaten path beats us back  
We try to hide what we have become  
Through turmoil we fight onward  
Pushing through the pain  
Hoping, wishing, that it would make us stronger  
Like the old adage said.  
But these wounds will not break us  
They will not send us careening  
To the bowels of hell.  
Fires will burn inside us  
And like the fabled Phoenix  
We will rise from the ashes  
Retaining the material that made us  
Same, and yet  
Reformed into something beautiful._

**Early Mornings**

_I've forgotten how beautiful it is here…I've missed the shroud terribly. I've missed having a home and people in it. Not that this home is mine, or that the people in it are techincally mine…_

_I invited myself over last night. I had wanted to see his house. He offered to let me stay. Twelve, that worries me. I don't want to move too fast. I've done that before, let my emotions get the better of me. Better to keep it in check, I think. But he makes it so difficult sometimes. I want to know everything about him, where he came from, what he's been doing, why he does it, what he thinks…what he thinks of me. It's scary, as all relationships are. I wish they were simpler. You fall in love with being with someone, maybe you fall in love with them, and then you stop. There's no rhyme or reason. Well, sometimes there's a reason. People get bored. Oskar got bored. Zenge got scared. I get too comfortable. You start to wonder if it's yourself or them…you question always…_

_I'm rambling again. Seems to be a habit of mine. Can't keep my thoughts straight. Anyway. The house is lovely. Small, cozy. There's a fireplace. And a rather large tub. Oh, to have a bubble bath again! It was fantastic. I could have soaked there for ages…but I was hungry. He made my favorite. It was delicious. Then, there was the incident with the tuna. It makes me giggle just thinking about it. His cheeks almost matched his hair!_

_There was no funny business, just good talk. He has a four poster bed. It's huge…and soft. It was easy to be there, easy to fall asleep.  
_

_Para has his demons. They plague him in his sleep…crying out to be set free, writhing in pain. It saddens me that he had to endure that. Perhaps one day we can learn why._

_I suppose, though, that we all have our demons. Some you can't see at all._

**Suns Go By**

_It has been a couple of suns since my last entry. There has been so much going on, it's hard to find time to write. I'm always on my guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. They're coming after Para. This…man…who hurt him in the past. His name is Joshua Nightcross…I don't know what he wants with Para, why he carved those symbols on his back, why he healed him after. Sounds like dark magics to me…magics I do not know about but have seen more often in my short existance than I'd like to admit._

_We've spent too much time holed up in this inn room. The only time we've been able to sneak away is to go to Soliloquy. The first time we managed to go there, Kass was there. Para had a panic attack…practically destroyed half of the plates in her kitchen. I left her some gil…I hope she doesn't mind too badly. We talked a lot that night…it was comforting, among all of the bad things that have been going on._

_The second time I tried to sneak away for a moment. I had called some of Kass' men to stand watch on the room. They ended up coming too. I thought I saw Burgen…I miss him so. But no, it was his brother…and so very different from the Burgen I knew. He didn't know where Burgen was either…I hope that he is well._

_The Duskwight, Uru showed up both times. He's hiding something and I don't know what it is. I don't think it's anything nefarious…but it still unsettles me._

_We've simply been playing a waiting game. Waiting for this Joshua to strike. I hope he does sooner rather than later. Hiding out was never my strong point. I don't like being cowed by fear. Who am I kidding, this is probably the game he enjoys the most._


End file.
